How To… Be The Perfect Height

‘Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman,’ sang Tammy Wynette, and boy girl was she right. I get tired just thinking about all the things I have to do to feel good about myself. Recently I realised that other women must struggle with this too! So I’ve put together my own website* telling women how to be women. I’ve gone to the effort of doing the research so you don’t have to, collecting it all in one place. One of our most popular articles is reprinted for you below.

You’re welcome, women of the internet.

Few would admit it, but in her heart every woman knows that the perfect height is just a couple of inches shorter her man. But when you’re changing partners every five minutes to compete in the dating game, how do you make sure your height doesn’t keep you lonely on the sidelines?

Are you too tall or too short? Are you both too tall and too short at the same time? Never fear—reinventing yourself to please your man just got a little easier, and we’ve crushed, cracked and crumbled ourselves to test the top of the range remedies out there just for you.

The go-to technology right now for height extensions is the rack. Read more and find out how to choose the perfect rackRacks have shaken off their stuffy middle-ages image and are rocking a whole new modern look. Several companies offer racks promising ‘significant height increases’. Beware! Not all are created equal. The latest HowDat? consumer guide defines ‘significant’ in this area as ‘capable of achieving a height of over seven foot’. I myself am now seven-and-a-half feet tall and have never been happier.

For my money (I got mine free but—hey—who’s counting?) the Giraffe 350 is the best out there. This intrepid reporter has reviewed them all, and nothing gives the giant stretch quite like it. Available in a range of feminine colours, it has a gliding action that reduces joint friction and stretches you out smoothly like fresh pizza dough. Snag the limited edition model with weight re-distribution function, and any ugly lumps and bumps are shaken out across your sleek new** frame. Five stars all round.

For those sad sunflowers amongst you who yearn for the life of the little people, DIY femur reduction is just the thing for you. An extremely cost-effective solution to excess height that every modern woman should consider adding to her arsenal of skills.

Femur reduction is a straight forward procedure you can carry out in your kitchen with a few implements you’re bound to have lying around the house. All you need is a hacksaw, some kitchen towel, and a friend to help measure that your new legs are the same length. This is not the moment to get into that ‘just a bit more off the left side’ debate that we’ve all had when DIYing a fringe!

The procedure does come with a warning though ladies: whilst it’s possible to date increasingly short men by shaving a few centimetres off your femurs after every break up, you cannot reattach the bone once it’s removed. Anyone who says that you can is just plain lying. (I wouldn’t be a responsible journalist if I didn’t look out for you all my lovelies!) So, make sure you plan carefully and hump all the tall men you can find before moving on to the small fry.

The thrifty or more creative among you should try using the off-cuts to carve woodland animals. Go ahead, express yourself! I find that a bone badger on the mantelpiece says more about a person than words ever could.

So whichever affliction you’re suffering from, even if you’re the kind of girl who likes to change her man more than her pants, one of these solutions should help you achieve your perfect height… for now!

*Of course I didn’t actually build it myself, I had a boy do it for me.

**Full body cast removed after six months. Scar tissue and skeletal pinning may add ten pounds. Terms and conditions apply.

About: E.G. Cosh is already perfect in so many ways, she’s happy to share her knowledge with you without fear of competition. Don’t despair, at least you can aim for being second most perfect. Do you have any womanly problems she can help you with? You can tweet her on @ParticularEmma, or read her blog at www.egcosh.com