Dear Stalker

Dear Stalker,

I was so excited to hear from you, I couldn’t believe you picked me out of all the girls in Ridgeway! Really? There are spots on Justin Bieber’s face that have been picked for special attention more often than I have.

The knife you sent with the letter was super cute, too thank you. I’ve decorated the handle with rhinestones to match the stains on the blade and hung it above my bed. Mum keeps telling me to take it down, but she just doesn’t understand how totally emo it is. She also refuses to call me by my chosen name of Lacrimosa—what does she know?

 Read more, find out about our sacrificial date...I’m so looking forward to our sacrificial date together. When you promised that, ‘we will meet just before I die,’ I was thrilled. But that’s pretty vague, could you be more specific? Ideally, I’m looking for an actual date. If you could supply the time as well, that will really help me plan effectively.

After all, what happens if I find someone else to go steady with before then? I would cry tears of blood if I missed out on ‘our moment of sin’ together. The only way I could deal would be to write poetry. Mum says I shouldn’t do that anymore, as the screaming upsets my little sister. I can send you some of my poetry if you want? I wrote it in black fountain pen on black paper—it makes it so much deeper, you know? You might want to try that for your next letter, because—FYI—no-one’s going to take you seriously if you carry on using a crappy blue biro.

I’ve put the pictures you sent on Facebook, but the hood that you’re wearing (although clearly the last word in sacrificial fashion), makes you difficult to recognise, and surely it’s difficult to see out of? I’m worried it’ll get in the way during the ceremony. I would hate for you to accidentally cut anyone with one of those very impressive machetes. Have you considered the merits of a trucker hat instead? There are some fine alternatives available, and the mesh promotes air flow across the scalp. Such a boon when exerting yourself in a poorly air conditioned dungeon.

So, when are we going to do this? With my very own satanic sacrifice, I will be the envy of any friends I eventually manage to make at college. The sooner we do it, the better. I’m free, like, every night at the moment, just let me know.

I don’t want any of those other girls you mentioned to be there though. I was kind of bummed when you said that, actually. I thought what we had was beautiful, but when you talked about other girls I felt cheaper than a half price sale at Claire’s Accessories.

I hope you get this, but you didn’t give your name or address, so I was wondering how—and then I thought—you said you’re going through my bins every day! All I have to do is put it in the trash and bingo! It’s like we have our very own secret Victorian love tryst.

Here’s hoping the mackerel pate I threw away earlier doesn’t stain the letter too much to read.

Anyway, hope to hear from you soon.

<3 Forever yours <3

Miranda

Lacrimosa x